Question that feminist career women can’t answer…


Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Question that feminist career women can’t answer…

Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
jlseagull
Contributor
jlseagull
Why is it so wrong if I marry a beautiful, intelligent woman who’s focused on being a wife and mother? If that’s my choice, why do feminists engage in shaming language when I inform them of my choice?

“You can’t handle a strong woman”

“You want to beat and dominate your wife”

“You just want to restrict her choices and income so she doesn’t leave you”

etc., etc.

What is with this complex that feminist career women have that we men MUST find them desirable and marriageable? Why is it that the feminist career womens’ replies that I read here sound like “You MUST love and marry me, for I am rich and successful! YOU MUST LOVE ME! …hello?”

Why is it so hard for them to let us go our own way when the majority of us successful, family-oriented men quite simply don’t want to marry a feminist career woman?

What is wrong with us simply saying “not interested” and marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman who WANTS to be a stay-at-home wife and mother?

08-25-2006 11:22 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
KLM71
Visitor
KLM71
Because women are constantly being attacked on this point. I hope you DO marry someone that wants to stay home, raise your kids, and wash your underwear! Just joking!

08-25-2006 11:26 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
AIBYJ
Newbie
AIBYJ

Nothing at all. I’m personally not interested in a man like you any more than a woman like me. I can’t imagine any intelligent, well-educated woman having any issues letting you marry whom you want to marry.

There’s nothing wrong with you, I’m just personally interested in a little more depth–and to me–that means being with someone who finds what I do for a living as interesting as I find them and their livelihood.

08-25-2006 11:28 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
ldqcanada
Newbie
ldqcanada
Being a Feminist myself – there is nothing wrong with your choice. Absolutely nothing. However, the problem I have with the article in question, is creating a negative vision and inciting fear of career women! Women all over the globe have been struggling for that right to choose to work, to choose to stay home, there is no one right answer for any given family. Hopefully, before you get married, and start a family, you already know that you and your spouse have a similliar set of ideas for your future.

Laura

08-25-2006 11:29 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
Antiriad
Regular Contributor
Antiriad

KLM71 wrote:
Because women are constantly being attacked on this point. I hope you DO marry someone that wants to stay home, raise your kids, and wash your underwear! Just joking!

You must be joking. Attacked by whom? One single article of this kind appeared in a mainstream publication. ONE. Point out the constant barrage of articles on cnn, msn, etc. urging women to be housewives – which apparently exist somewhere, based on your assertion.

08-25-2006 11:29 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
jlseagull
Contributor
jlseagull
“Because women are constantly being attacked on this point.”

I don’t understand. Could you please expand?

All of the quoted replies are from feminist career women in this very discussion. My question stands – why the shaming language, when it’s simply my choice? I have never engaged in shaming women that choose to have a good career, nor have I ever said that ALL women should stay home and have babies and wash dishes. I’ve simply said that me and a lot of other successful men don’t want to marry feminist career women – and received a lot of flak for it.

“I hope you DO marry someone that wants to stay home, raise your kids, and wash your underwear! Just joking!

I plan to. Thank you for your support. And she already does my laundry for me. I think I found a keeper.

08-25-2006 11:32 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
jlseagull
Contributor
jlseagull

Being a Feminist myself – there is nothing wrong with your choice. Absolutely nothing. However, the problem I have with the article in question, is creating a negative vision and inciting fear of career women! Women all over the globe have been struggling for that right to choose to work, to choose to stay home, there is no one right answer for any given family. Hopefully, before you get married, and start a family, you already know that you and your spouse have a similliar set of ideas for your future.

Laura”

Yours is the first reasonable response by a feminist career woman I have read. I wish you luck in your search for a mate.

(bows)

08-25-2006 11:36 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
KLM71
Visitor
KLM71
http://archives.cbc.ca/IDC-1-69-1710-11910/life_society/day_care/clip8

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/284

http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/urban/family/features/n_7837/

Do books count? There are plenty of books written from both sides.

Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families

Mommy Myth

The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother? by Miriam Peskowitz

To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife by Caitlin Flanagan

Perfect Madness : Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner

08-25-2006 11:42 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
bekis
Contributor
bekis

To be fair, not all women have said those things, and to be particular, I have not said those things. I personally think it is great that you know what you are looking for in a relationship. I don’t think that is the issue. That is not what upsets me about this article’s line of reasoning or lack thereof. And it’s definitely not what bothers me about your statements. What bothers me about this particular question is that you are differentiating between a career and stay at home parenting and that the twain can never meet. Being a stay at home parent, for a person of either gender, is a career, a lifelong career. There is no changing jobs as a parent, there can be no midlife career crisis. The minute your child is born, you are on constant duty; it is a lifelong obligation entered into the moment you decided to reproduce. Which to me, seems even more difficult than a career that has the endpoint of retirement. But it is not the sole responsibility of the mother. It takes two to reproduce, and takes so many more to actually raise the child. I wholly believe everyone’s parents mess them up, people are not perfect and those imperfections can not help but effect and affect the children. But to say that a woman can not handle the responsibilites of both motherhood/family and a career, but a man can as long as his family is being minded by his wife is being incredibly unequivocal. If that is your particular family relationship, cool, good for you guys that that works for you. But you have to recognize that other circumstances and choices and working models exist and suit different people. To apply the one-size-fits-all mantra of women stay home and men go to work is simply not realistic in this changing world. There are different types of family groups out there now. All people are different, and we need to be open and account for those differences by expanding our definitions and parameters of family, of gender roles, of relationships.

08-25-2006 11:45 AM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
KLM71
Visitor
KLM71
Attacked as in “If you don’t stay home with your children you are a bad mother” or on the other side “If you don’t work you do not get any respect.” Either way I think a marriage should be treated like a partnership. Word of advice…if you do not work together with your partner your children will pick up on this and use it against both of the parents, to their advantage. It is all about mutual respect whether everyone is working or not.

08-25-2006 11:49 AM

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Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Question that feminist career women can’t answer…

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
Angelus
Contributor
Angelus

Antiriad wrote:

KLM71 wrote:
Because women are constantly being attacked on this point. I hope you DO marry someone that wants to stay home, raise your kids, and wash your underwear! Just joking!

You must be joking. Attacked by whom? One single article of this kind appeared in a mainstream publication. ONE. Point out the constant barrage of articles on cnn, msn, etc. urging women to be housewives – which apparently exist somewhere, based on your assertion.

True. I might add- it’s even possible not even she believes it. She just want to create the perception that it is true, so it will justify similar censorship in the future.

All I see is projection.

08-25-2006 12:21 PM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
Hedgie
Regular Contributor
Hedgie

Career women demand that men MUST find them desirable and marriageable because they want to be validated.

They want others, especially men, to make them feel as if they made the right life choices.

Because deep down, career women are plagued by doubts, fear, and despair.

08-25-2006 12:41 PM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
libbys
Contributor
libbys

jlseagull wrote:
Why is it so wrong if I marry a beautiful, intelligent woman who’s focused on being a wife and mother? If that’s my choice, why do feminists engage in shaming language when I inform them of my choice?

“You can’t handle a strong woman”

“You want to beat and dominate your wife”

“You just want to restrict her choices and income so she doesn’t leave you”

etc., etc.

What is with this complex that feminist career women have that we men MUST find them desirable and marriageable? Why is it that the feminist career womens’ replies that I read here sound like “You MUST love and marry me, for I am rich and successful! YOU MUST LOVE ME! …hello?”

Why is it so hard for them to let us go our own way when the majority of us successful, family-oriented men quite simply don’t want to marry a feminist career woman?

What is wrong with us simply saying “not interested” and marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman who WANTS to be a stay-at-home wife and mother?

Here’s a question. What kind of qualities do you look for in a best friend? What kind of qualities do you respect in a man?

My feeling is, if the qualities you are looking for in a mate diverge greatly from those that you look for in a close friend, then something is missing. Instead of a deeply loving relationship with an equal, you are seeking a division of labor relationship.

You earn the money.
She does the laundry.
You pay the bills.
She has sex with you.
She bears your children.
You put clothes on their backs and food in their mouths.

Deciding a woman is a “keeper” because she does your laundry or gives great head is gross to me. A woman should be a keeper if she has a good character, is kind, intelligent, humorous and all the other things that make up a good person. Women do not want to be valued for their domestic or sexual labor. They want to be valued for themselves.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman (or a man) wanting to stay home with the children, if children are to be had. If financial arrangements allow, I think it’s better for a parent not to work when raising kids. But kids are a special situation. And kids are not what the author of the article was talking about. He was saying that a career woman would not make a man happily married, kids or not.

I say that some men would not be happily married to a career woman, simply because their notion of a woman is so drastically different from how these women think of themselves.

I am stunned by some of the misogyny being dished out in these forums; I can only hope that the men writing such crap are older – I am fortunate that I regularly interact with men my age who are far more evolved.

And yes, I said evolved.

08-25-2006 01:47 PM

Re: Question that feminist career women can’t answer…
dumbbroad
Regular Contributor
dumbbroad
“Because deep down, career women are plagued by doubts, fear, and despair.”

OK, I’m a 26-year-old reporter in New York City. I go to work because it pays the bills, but also because I love to write. I didn’t pursue this career because I was plagued by fear and doubt. I pursued it because it was something that has captivated me ever since I was an 8-year-old sitting at my mother’s old typewriter writing short stories about rabbits and My Little Ponies. I’m not a power hungry career woman, feminazi, desperate housewife, or whatever other monikers are being tossed around. I’m just me. And I imagine there’s someone out there who will one day love “just me” and we can produce the next generation of kids with typewriters and My Little Ponies. But just because I’ll likely continue to work after having children doesn’t mean I’m career-focused ice queen. And just because my good friend from high school has opted to stay at home with her children full time doesn’t make her a lazy golddigger. It’s just what we chose (or will choose) – and that’s really the basis of feminism – allowing women (and men) the option to do whatever it is they want to do with their lives.

08-25-2006 01:58 PM

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