Wife or Slave?


Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Wife or Slave?

Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

I’ve been married for 28 years. I worked in a full time job for 5 years before having children. I did not return to work until eight years ago and find that I have somehow lost myself along the way. Everything was done by =me=, washing ironing, cooking, dishes, cleaning, taking care of the kids, their homework and after school activities , weekend sports and also if they were sick. I also mowed the lawns and did the gardens (with some help at times from my husband ) and was left to look after running around paying bills and sorting out paperwork etc. that needed to get done. I did not realise until it was pointed out by a friend of mine how good my husband had it. He went to work for 8 hours, which he enjoyed doing, come home, sat on the lounge, watched tv and read the paper until his dinner was served, then he would watch tv again or maybe go for a walk, then eventually it was bed time and we would have sex (like a good little wife) then the cycle would repeat itself. My eldest daughter recently left home (she is 23) and gave my husband (her father) a talking to saying he needs to start helping me around the house. I have asked him to help me way before this with no luck. He has now helped to cook dinner four times in four months (which also amounts to four times in 28 years). He has said in the past about it’s womans work. I ask him “what book was that written in?” like where did he get informed of that piece of information. Anyway, I guess what I’m getting to is that I wish I had of continued to work and not lost myself along the way. I married someone I thought I loved and found I had become nothing but a slave for them. A marriage needs to be a bit of 50/50 to make it a healthy and happy one.

08-26-2006 09:33 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Antiriad
Regular Contributor
Antiriad
Sounds to me like nothing you ever do you would ever find enjoyable. And the definition of “harridan” is:…

08-26-2006 09:48 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
radiator
Regular Contributor
radiator

Hey, don’t listen to these guys.  You’re right, all they want is a slave/mommy/free hooker.  Let them get their mail-order brides and shut up already.  Sounds like you could use some help in your own life, though–it’s out there, so good luck.

Here’s what I just replied to Pete on the ForbesFireHim post:

“See, the real problem is that men–or maybe just Pete and a couple other guys on this post, so as not to overgeneralize–want to win.  They don’t love women.  They just want to conquer and dominate them.  They want everything on their terms and if not, then they will go find some desperate woman in a country where the men are even worse than American (like in China, where they like to abort their girl children so that now the men in some areas are having trouble finding women to marry–maybe they should come over here and snap up the surplus of cool, chic, smart American women).  And, of course, their sad little egos will be soothed by having a nice slave to call their own.  Pathetic?  Yup.  Now, stop wasting our time with your whining.”

08-26-2006 09:53 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Antiriad
Regular Contributor
Antiriad
Who’s whining? It is the middle-aged, lonely, childless American career woman who complains that no man is good enough for her and why aren’t men lining up to be shot down by her anymore?

Facts speak louder than words.

08-26-2006 09:59 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

Well actually Antiriad, I do know what the word “harridan” means. It means a scolding and vicious woman and uuummm, like did you even read what I wrote??? I wasn’t being scolding and vicious, I was merely stating facts.  I obviously struck a chord in you??? Something ring home to you??? like are you a similar type to how my husband has been and you did not like hearing someone likening it to slavery?   AAAHHH, now there’s that ‘harridan” coming out of me. lol

08-26-2006 10:04 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Antiriad
Regular Contributor
Antiriad

sha_nnie wrote:
Well actually Antiriad, I do know what the word “harridan” means. It means a scolding and vicious woman and uuummm, like did you even read what I wrote??? I wasn’t being scolding and vicious, I was merely stating facts.  I obviously struck a chord in you??? Something ring home to you??? like are you a similar type to how my husband has been and you did not like hearing someone likening it to slavery?   AAAHHH, now there’s that ‘harridan” coming out of me. lol

Don’t make me laugh.

I’m a young guy who lives by himself in his house and has a girlfriend who visits on occasion.

Try again, Jezebel.

08-26-2006 10:07 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

Antiriad,
Ever heard of the word “jerk” ?

08-26-2006 10:13 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
radiator
Regular Contributor
radiator

Rock on, sha-nnie.  Don’t take it personally.  They are just spoiled and angry.

08-26-2006 10:24 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Pete
Regular Contributor
Pete

sha_nnie wrote:

I’ve been married for 28 years. I worked in a full time job for 5 years before having children. I did not return to work until eight years ago and find that I have somehow lost myself along the way. Everything was done by =me=, washing ironing, cooking, dishes, cleaning, taking care of the kids, their homework and after school activities , weekend sports and also if they were sick. I also mowed the lawns and did the gardens (with some help at times from my husband ) and was left to look after running around paying bills and sorting out paperwork etc. that needed to get done. I did not realise until it was pointed out by a friend of mine how good my husband had it. He went to work for 8 hours, which he enjoyed doing, come home, sat on the lounge, watched tv and read the paper until his dinner was served, then he would watch tv again or maybe go for a walk, then eventually it was bed time and we would have sex (like a good little wife) then the cycle would repeat itself. My eldest daughter recently left home (she is 23) and gave my husband (her father) a talking to saying he needs to start helping me around the house. I have asked him to help me way before this with no luck. He has now helped to cook dinner four times in four months (which also amounts to four times in 28 years). He has said in the past about it’s womans work. I ask him “what book was that written in?” like where did he get informed of that piece of information. Anyway, I guess what I’m getting to is that I wish I had of continued to work and not lost myself along the way. I married someone I thought I loved and found I had become nothing but a slave for them. A marriage needs to be a bit of 50/50 to make it a healthy and happy one.

BFH (that’s: Boo F–king Hoo)

You did exactly what you were supposed to do. What any wife is *expected* to do. Do not blame men for your unhappiness at being a woman. Weak attitudes like yours is typical of American women. And BTW, he was right about the woman’s work.

So quit your childish, dumbass whining. Your bulls–t story isn’t even germane to the main topic anyway.

08-26-2006 10:26 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Bobby61557
Visitor
Bobby61557

Whah whah whah If you didnt mess with the sexes thing in the first place you wouldnt be in that position You fought for the right to work now your complaining cuase you man wont. Seem sto me your a big hypocrity Men supported your butts for decades paid for everything and now your screaming because he wont work You hypocrit No judge gives us Allimony.

08-26-2006 10:37 AM

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Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Wife or Slave?

Re: Wife or Slave?
Pelican
Regular Contributor
Pelican
Not exactly unexpected, that, Pete.

Message Edited by Pelican on 08-26-2006 11:03 AM

08-26-2006 10:37 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
radiator
Regular Contributor
radiator

Hey sha_nnie,  I posted some other stuff which is a rebuttal to some of these guys on the Fire the Pig/ForbesFireHim blog.  Don’t let this stuff get to you.  The ones who try to put you in your place and dismiss your story are trying to steamroll your dignity and self-esteem so that you agree to slavery.  Notice as has been pointed out about three times already that they just speak in overgeneralizations and don’t talk about actual facts, much less their own lives.  It’s likely that they are all addicted to porn and have to pay for sex because real women know that they are jerks and won’t sleep with them, much less marry them.  It’s an old strategy, but we’re on to them.

Off to do something interesting and productive with my day now!

08-26-2006 10:54 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
porkchops38
Regular Contributor
porkchops38

radiator wrote:
It’s likely that they are all addicted to porn and have to pay for sex

Q)Who poses for porn and who prostitutes their bodies to men?
A)Females

Q) Who fought vehemently against anti-pornography laws?
A) Females, Feminists, N.O.W.

Q) Who is currently fighting vehemently to legalize prostitution?
A) Females, Feminists, N.O.W.

08-26-2006 11:24 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
sha_nnie all I did read out of your post is that when a man goes to work and makes money for the family it does not count squat. He still owes and he can never do enough EVER. Why should a working man have a 10 hour day so the wife can spend even more time watching Oprah ? Also I assume a married woman should not have to do sex with her husband like “a good little wife”. Why didnt you go to work and supported him instead of bitching about how he does not do enough AFTER 8 hours of work. Do not tell me operating the washing mashine vacuum cleaner and Ironing ate up like 6 hours per day we modern men know what housework is it is nothing and we are fed up about women complaining about nothing. Also it is sad to read that your kids and their activities are “work” to you. That is something your hubby should have done more though spending time with his kids ill give you that.

Message Edited by Cassius on 08-26-2006 11:53 AM

08-26-2006 11:48 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
dumbbroad
Regular Contributor
dumbbroad

please. that BS about working so hard all day at the office is crap. are you shoveling coal down at the mines? all of us (including myself) who have jobs that lead us to read forbes know that we’re not constantly working for those 8 hours a day (how else would we have time to post to boards like this). if i had to option right now to either work at my current job or stay at home and care for an infant and a 3-year-old, i’d sure as hell opt for a little quality time with my starbucks and my PC at the office. for those who do it right, being a stay-at-home mom actually is real work. so the notion that bringing home a paycheck is reason enough not to do anything once you arrive home is ridiculous.

08-26-2006 01:21 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
toadman
Regular Contributor
toadman

“if i had to option right now to either work at my current job or stay at home and care for an infant and a 3-year-old, i’d sure as hell opt for a little quality time with my starbucks and my PC at the office.”

I’d love to hear what your mother and grandmother would say about that.

08-26-2006 02:58 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
Iam a man, we DO work 8 hours a day or even more since i work for myself. Only an affirmative action hire female worker has the luxury of working when she feels like it because she can not be fierd because corporations have women quotas to fill out. Men work 8 hours a day and overtime doing the work you did not while you were at starbucks sipping overpriced coffee. The notion that a stayathome wife did not get the housework done in the 40hrs/week the man is in the office and that he can be expected to work some more after he came back from work is ridiculous What do u do for housework that is so **bleep** hard, do you vacuum the floor with your lungs ? Do not make me laugh.

Message Edited by Cassius on 08-26-2006 03:24 PM

08-26-2006 03:18 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
FredIPO
Visitor
FredIPO
Hah, yes those working at the office might not always be working. Then again, house wives are always working themselves. Never mind that daytime tv caters to uh, women? When is Oprah usually on the telly? Housewives are always working. “Wow, you got all that done in a saturday morning?” Uhh, yeah. Its not hard to do laundry, clean the kitchen, “do” the dishes (in a machine) tidy up the bathroom, dust and put on clean sheets. Because I uhh, oh yeah, “multitask” instead of sitting down and watching tv while the laundry gets “done”. What amazes them even more is I’m a guy who occasionally cooks too! I had one gal tell me once, “oh I don’t know how to bake a cake” when I told her to make something for her bf’s birthday since she was low on cash. “Uhh, you don’t know how to make something as easy as a betty crocker cake in a box?” This is not to say a mother/father/home parent’s job is all easy. It isn’t but household chores are not the bane of one’s existance that are complete horrible drudgery.

To the OP (original poster). I’m sorry your husband doesn’t help out as much, especially since you’re both working. Some people are, shall we say, jerks. Lets be honest here, we’ve all known people who didn’t pull their weight in a relationship regardless of their sex. This is not an area dominated by men or women in this day and age (well, I might lean towards “career” women typically not doing equal work ).

As for all the stuff you did before, uhm, wasn’t that your job as the spouse who stayed at home? He worked, brought home the bacon as it were and you kept up the other end of specialized work that is required when you have a family. You’ve waited this long in your marriage to stand up for yourself? Yeah, it sucks but I’m guessing you did get some benefit out of your marriage and honestly, why cry about now? Why mire in the past? Change things now and if you still aren’t happy, divorce him then. He’s prolly not a saint but I’m gonna guess you’re also stereotypically judging him harshly. Sorry, I’ve known too many women who make mountains out of molehills, example being if the laundry isn’t folded in just such a “way”. If not, stand up for yourself for pete’s sake. Its not as if you don’t have the family courts on your side if you don’t get your way.

Dumbbroad, I find your sentiments amusing as they are the complete opposite of mine. Yes, we all need a break from our “jobs” or “careers”, whether its being the home parent or the working parent (or the ever prevalent two working parent home). Honestly, I’d rather work 10-12 hours at home and get some weekends off then be stuck at work in front of the PC (or for many more men than women: 10 hours in a hot warehouse pulling orders/loading trucks) with a starbucks working for the “man”.

Message Edited by FredIPO on 08-26-2006 12:27 PM

08-26-2006 03:23 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

Cassius said:-

“Do not tell me operating the washing mashine vacuum cleaner and Ironing ate up like 6 hours per day we modern men know what housework is it is nothing and we are fed up about women complaining about nothing. Also it is sad to read that your kids and their activities are “work” to you. That is something your hubby should have done more though spending time with his kids ill give you that.”

_________________________________________

Cassius,

Obviously you have never had to look after children, plus maintain inside and outside of a home, plus manage incoming and outgoing mail, bills etc. etc. etc. I have four (4) children and I can assure you that raising and taking good care of them, and ensuring they had a good education etc. took much more than  “operating the washing mashine vacuum cleaner and Ironing”  as you say .(BTW machine is spelt with a “ch” not “sh”).  If you read through what I wrote I never once quoted that my children and their activities were “work”. I love and adore my children and did and still do over and above what is necessary to ensure they have a good life. As you mentioned my husband should have spent more time with the kids.  Unfortunately it is not only his loss that he did not spend more time with them, but also our children’s as they say they feel they hardly know their father. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good person, like a decent human being. He just did not help towards building a good marriage and family life for our children. Cassius, you also stated  “Why didnt you go to work and supported him instead of bitching”. I did return to work 8 years ago, but during the time I was at home with the children I also contributed financially. I pretty much had to as my husband has never earned much money. I took a small amount of money and put it into shares. I am lucky to be intelligent enough to understand the share market. My husband does not understand things such as shares or investments etc. I followed the share market through the papers and that small amount of money grew into a large amount of money over the years, so although I did not “go out to work”, I did contribute financially. My husband tells me how much he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on and would not know what to do without me. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about him, I wish I could, I really do, but his actions (or lack of them) throughout our marriage have eroded away at my love for him.

08-27-2006 03:06 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Pelican
Regular Contributor
Pelican

toadman wrote:
“if i had to option right now to either work at my current job or stay at home and care for an infant and a 3-year-old, i’d sure as hell opt for a little quality time with my starbucks and my PC at the office.”

I’d love to hear what your mother and grandmother would say about that.

Clearly you’ve never been stuck long-term with an infant and toddler, because many grandmothers and mothers would smile ruefully and say “Oh, honey, I remember that feeling!” And certain grandmothers — mine included — would very seriously grab your wrist and beg you to take her with you.

Just as some people aren’t cut out to be architects or language teachers or plumbers, some people aren’t cut out to be full-time child carers. Just imagine one of your teachers as a small child, possibly one of the teachers that was short of patience and seemed unhappy much of the time. Now imagine you had that sort of mum. Still want her at home all the time? Wouldn’t it be better if you had your dad around full-time, or that your mum picked you up from daycare at 5 in a better mood than she’d’ve been if she was feeling trapped at home?

08-27-2006 05:57 AM

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Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Wife or Slave?

Re: Wife or Slave?
hroypitt
Visitor
hroypitt

I would like to know where are these men who can afford to have their wife stay at home and be the sole provider financially without working to death and be a good father.Most women would love for their men to work so that we can raise our children at home,however,it doesnt work like that.I have a career and would gladly stay at home with my child.Most men are lazy.If women didn’t feel like they had to get careers their would be a lot of stay at home moms.How many women vs. men go to college and actually finish.Women work because we have to.

08-27-2006 06:21 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
chrisnick
Visitor
chrisnick

Cassius wrote:
Iam a man, we DO work 8 hours a day or even more since i work for myself. Only an affirmative action hire female worker has the luxury of working when she feels like it because she can not be fierd because corporations have women quotas to fill out. Men work 8 hours a day and overtime doing the work you did not while you were at starbucks sipping overpriced coffee. The notion that a stayathome wife did not get the housework done in the 40hrs/week the man is in the office and that he can be expected to work some more after he came back from work is ridiculous What do u do for housework that is so **bleep** hard, do you vacuum the floor with your lungs ? Do not make me laugh.

Message Edited by Cassius on 08-26-2006 03:24 PM

Clearly, you’ve never had to manage a household with several small children. That’s a 24/7 kind of job, not that you’d notice or care. And you know, I’ve worked in the corporate world, and for myself now, and a 14-16 hour day is the norm. If I didn’t do my work right, I could get fired, just like anyone else, and in fact, once I did. No matter how much men complain, the majority of women still draw the short straw when it comes to managing a household, a career, or both. She can consider herself **bleep** lucky if she’s married to a man who helps out a little bit. And last time I checked, career women still made something like 0.75 on the dollar as a man for doing the very same job and the same volume of work. Maybe you guys need to form your own little support group so you can cry on each others shoulders and get the sympathy you obviously aren’t getting here.

08-27-2006 08:20 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
Look girls if spending time with your kid is work to you YOU SUCK. I only feel sorry for your kids. Imagine your husband would lecture you about how much his wife and kids costs and how much better his life would be if he would not have to spend his money after his wife and kids. Besides I did never said hubby should not invest his time into the kids. I was talking about taking care of the house. If hubby refuses to go with his kids to the Zoo or check their homework or help them with that math test you are right to call him a bad husband and father. But if he has to clean the house after work how much time do u think has he left for his kids ? Get your time managment right and you WILL get done with your duties within the 40hrs week if you are a stay at home mom, Even with 4 kids.

Message Edited by Cassius on 08-27-2006 10:32 AM

08-27-2006 10:27 AM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Pelican
Regular Contributor
Pelican
Cassius, I’d be interested to know if you’ve ever actually been a full-time carer. And by that I mean on your own all day with multiple children, for days on end.

08-27-2006 04:47 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
What do you mean by on my own ? While my Wife is working ?

08-27-2006 07:30 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

Geeez Cassius!!!!!
I’m sure when you read what has been written, you don’t actually READ the words like take them in and comprehend them. It’s as if you glance over what has been written, take in some bits then those bits are converted into something entirely different in your brain then you ‘rant and rave’ about crap!!!! Seriously, I think the =ONLY= way you could ever understand what has been written here is by actually taking care of four children, doing everything – washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, homework, after school activities such as tutoring and athletics training, weekend sports and parties that the children go to, lawns and gardens, being the home secretary taking care of incoming and outgoing mail and bills, being a good, caring listener for the children and I could go on and on and on with lots more. I don’t think you would last any more than one day, maybe two, and it would especially be made harder for you as you would not, (or it seems by your comments) have any feelings of love or caring for the family. I am a Teacher in a Preschool. I come across family situations every day and believe me, in families where I see the father being involved, the children prosper and grow in every way. The fathers also have a special bond of which is something the other Dads (who think their responsibility to their family is done after 8 hours at work) will never experience, and that is their loss.

08-27-2006 07:37 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
Look Shanine i did not replied exclusivly to you, some girls view taking care of the kids as housework it is just like that. As for you, so your love was erodet for your husband because he did not contribute a lot. Now he did not contribute in spending time with his kids I can understand this is ugly to see for a mother it must be a real romance killer. But would that have saved your love for him ? How much more would he have had to contribute ? Wouldnt that mean that a woman who can take care of herself and has a man making less than she does or even as much would experience the same thing, a lack of contribution a lack of “gain” ? Would that not make the point of the author that a man is better off with a stayathome wife that can not take care of the finances which experience his income as contribution and gain ? If you would still be in love with hubby if he would have spent more time with his kids without fulfilling your other demands tell me. As for the housework with 40 hours at your disposal and a washing machine and a dish washing machine and a vacuum cleaner and a modern ironing device its still all yours even with 4 kids. Having your hubby invest more time in your children is all you can and should demand imo unless you work the same amount of time out of the house too.

08-27-2006 08:28 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
sha_nnie
Contributor
sha_nnie

Cassius,
To answer your question, I think if my husband had of included himself as part of the family and contributed some, then yes, I feel I still would have had a love for him. The fact that he would even care to bother would have been nice to know and by contribute I don’t mean doing as much as I was, but just little things like helping to chop some vegetables for dinner, bringing the washing in from the clothesline when he sees the rain coming over, helping out when I am very sick with the flu instead of expecting that I still do everything, taking his children to and watching them participate in their weekend sport, helping them with their homework questions instead of it always being me. Very simple things to show he is part of the family and cares.  The children are now young adults and even though we still have a busy household I don’t have as much to do as the children help with the household chores (including my two sons).  I’ve been back at work for 8 years and earn more money than my husband does and guess what!!?? he still comes home from work and does his own thing which is just watch tv or read the paper, oh or his racing car track he plays with. Like I said in another post, he tells me every day that he loves me and doesn’t know what he would do without me. I think he is right about that. I won’t be responding to any more posts on this issue as I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree.

08-27-2006 11:05 PM

Re: Wife or Slave?
Cassius
Regular Contributor
Cassius
No we dont as you can read from my last post you can see iam clearly against eithier part beeing exploited. I did not back a husband not even spending time with his kids and since you would have been fine with doing the housework if he would have at least pased time with his kids we actually agree.

08-28-2006 08:48 AM

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