What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?


Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?

What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
anonymom
Contributor
anonymom

The fact that one partner in a marriage is a career woman doesn’t mean that the family has both parents working.  I work and my husband stays home, and in our area there are numerous families that do this.  It works out really well for us.  I am a professional with a 6 figure salary, bonus, health insurance, and other benefits (and I don’t have to travel or work late nights).  My husband stays home with the kids, volunteers at my daughter’s school, has a sitter come once a week so he can golf, and has plenty of time to hang out with his buddies on the evenings and weekends for poker, sports, etc.  He cooks dinner (he has found that he loves to cook), but we have cleaning people come once a week, and he has help with the yardwork and pool.  We have a strong marriage (just had our 15th anniversary), and our kids are well-adjusted an happy.  I think my husband is happy he married a career woman, LOL!

The main problem with the article is that many of the issues that the writer pins on “career woman” occur with stay-at-home moms, too… unhappiness, dirty houses, bad marriages, affairs.  Also, many of the issues that the writers uses as an argument for men not marrying career woman would mean that women shouldn’t marry career men… going to work means your wife might meet someone she likes better than you?  Haven’t you ever heard of the husband-running-off-with-his-secretary scenario.

I think that men are afraid of career women because it means that they have to work hard to “keep” their wives… if their wives have little education or ability to make a living wage, the wives are more likely to stay in the marriage even if their husbands are abusive, unfaithful, addicted, lazy, or just unappealing/boring/gross.  If their wives are successful, confident, and have the ability to support themselves, the husbands will have to work to stay in shape, treat their wives well, help out with the house and kids, etc. in order to keep her.  I think that makes for a healthier marriage, not a weaker one.

Just my two cents.

08-28-2006 02:23 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
dflynn5656
Contributor
dflynn5656

The problem with your philosophy is that it assumes men and women are interchangeable.

They are equal – NOT interchangeable.   I mean no offense in saying this – But re-read your own article with this problem in consideration (equal but NOT interchangeable) and I’m sure you’ll see the obvious error in your reasoning.

08-28-2006 02:27 PM

Except for the ability to bear children, why not?
anonymom
Contributor
anonymom

I don’t get your point.

08-28-2006 02:31 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
moneyneversleep
Regular Contributor
moneyneversleep

1.  No man wants to keep someone who doesn’t want to stay.
2.  Most career women do not make good choices for spouses and/or mothers due the commitments they have chosen to undertake.
3.  Men vote with their feet to choose the most appropriate woman for them.

08-28-2006 02:31 PM

But it is easy to turn that around…
anonymom
Contributor
anonymom

1.  No woman wants to stay with (I don’t like your word keep — makes it sound like a wife is a “kept woman”) someone who doesn’t want to stay.
2.  Most career men do not make good choices for spouses and/or fathers due the commitments they have chosen to undertake.
3.  Women vote with their feet to choose the most appropriate man for them.

So what’s your point?

08-28-2006 02:35 PM

Re: But it is easy to turn that around…
moneyneversleep
Regular Contributor
moneyneversleep

You are the one who used “keep”.  I am a happily unmarried man with a much younger girlfriend and no intention of ever marrying.  I earn well over 7 figures annually and voted with my feet.  I was engaged 1 time and broke it off after seeing the wreckage that was created on business associates lives:  financial distress, being kept from their children, interference in their professional lives.  Over 50% of them were married to professional women.  I prefer to travel, increase my investments and enjoy my life rather than pay alimony of $25K per month as several of my associates are doing, and that is after asset distribution and before child support.  Do the math.   There is absolutely no advantage for a man to marry.

08-28-2006 02:39 PM

Re: But it is easy to turn that around…
Democles
Regular Contributor
Democles

The point is that you didn’t marry a man.

08-28-2006 02:41 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
lbaptiste
Visitor
lbaptiste

I also don’t see your point.  Her “reasoning” is not flawed in that it is backed up by her actual experience as well as the experience of many families in her area – it is not just speculation.  I can say that this is also the case in many families with which I am familiar.  I don’t understand what you mean by “women and men are not interchangeable” (except for the carrying and bearing of the children, of course).  In my family, we plan to adopt our children, and we share all our responsibilities according to our strengths (which, interestingly, do not fall along traditional gender lines), so in many senses, we are and will be “interchangeable”.  Throughout our lives and careers, we will each have fulfilling careers and a strong marriage and family, and we will all be better off for it.

08-28-2006 02:41 PM

No, I married a secure man who isn’t defined by his job…
anonymom
Contributor
anonymom

and has a family and friends that value him based on who he is, not how much he makes.  Do you define yourself solely by your job/salary?

Or did you think I was actually married to a woman?

08-28-2006 02:44 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
Democles
Regular Contributor
Democles

interchangeble, ha, can you say deluded!

08-28-2006 02:45 PM

==============================================================================
Click on the board or message subject at the top to return.

Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?

Mea culpa…
anonymom
Contributor
anonymom

about the “keep” thing.  I meant it as “stay with”.

In any event, are you saying that ALL the men you know are divorced ande miserable, and that none are happily married?

Where do you live?

I see no reason for you personally to marry, and I’m glad that you called it off before the wedding, because you don’t seem to be someone who would want to commit to a marriage.

However, there are lots of happily married men in the world, and the fact that some people you konw made bad choices in marriage and had messy divorces shouldn’t be the only reason for not getting married.  There is more to life than “math”.

I have a cousin who went out with a guy like you for years, and kept thinking that one day he would change his mind and marry her, and when she turned 42 she finally realized it wasn’t going to happen (which we had been telling her for years).  I wish he had been as honest as you!

Different strokes for different folks…

08-28-2006 02:51 PM

Re: Mea culpa…
moneyneversleep
Regular Contributor
moneyneversleep

Don’t be foolish.  I said I have seen those men who are divorced and the damage it has wrought on their lives, their finances, their interaction with their children, the interference in their businesses and that it has left a distaste in my mouth for the entire marriage thing.

I live in Newport Coast, California and in Seattle, WA.  I also have a residence in Europe and see that if I were to marry it would be financially problematic since marriage, by legal defintion and enforcement is the formation of partnership, a corporation if you will, enforceable by the State (unlike a typical corporation) upon dissolutionment.

Sure there are happily married men in the US, but 50% of 1st marriages end in divorce.  The empirical evidence does not lie.  I would be better off blowing my money at the race track.  As long as my girlfriend is good to me she will be with me and enjoy a very comfortable life.  I told her no marriage, ever.

Message Edited by moneyneversleep on 08-28-2006 03:37 PM

08-28-2006 03:20 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
blaineso
Contributor
blaineso
This whole thing couldn’t be more straight forward. The thing that men “fear” is divorce and the incredibly biased, anti-man/father divorce industry. There’s no hidden, emotionally-based agenda.

Here it is:
Marriage is a bad gig for (most) men. Statistically speaking, marrying career women makes for a marriage more likely to end in divorce, while marrying a stay at home mom who decides to divorce you, makes it more likely you’ll lose half of your assets.

In either case, though, your custody rights are in serious jeopardy. The societally accepted norm is 4 days/MONTH (every other weekend.)

08-28-2006 03:35 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
ftesyektsi
Regular Contributor
ftesyektsi

blaineso wrote:
This whole thing couldn’t be more straight forward. The thing that men “fear” is divorce and the incredibly biased, anti-man/father divorce industry. There’s no hidden, emotionally-based agenda.

Here it is:
Marriage is a bad gig for (most) men. Statistically speaking, marrying career women makes for a marriage more likely to end in divorce, while marrying a stay at home mom who decides to divorce you, makes it more likely you’ll lose half of your assets.

In either case, though, your custody rights are in serious jeopardy. The societally accepted norm is 4 days/MONTH (every other weekend.)

That marriage is bad for men is a relatively new idea.

In the not too distant past, psych classes taught the following stats:

Married men were happier than their single counterparts.

Single women were happier than their married counterparts.

Marriage was a better deal for men because, back then, they had (more often than not) someone at home to mother them.

Now, of course, with women working, marriage very well may be a bad deal for men.  Why, they have to take care of themselves, now.  Crap!

08-28-2006 03:55 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
blaineso
Contributor
blaineso
ftesyektsi: “Marriage was a better deal for men because, back then, they had (more often than not) someone at home to mother them.

Now, of course, with women working, marriage very well may be a bad deal for men. Why, they have to take care of themselves, now. Crap!”

I notice you didn’t even attempt to address the substance of my comment.

08-28-2006 04:06 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
ftesyektsi
Regular Contributor
ftesyektsi

blaineso wrote:
ftesyektsi: “Marriage was a better deal for men because, back then, they had (more often than not) someone at home to mother them.

Now, of course, with women working, marriage very well may be a bad deal for men. Why, they have to take care of themselves, now. Crap!”

I notice you didn’t even attempt to address the substance of my comment.

Which substance?  The part about custody?  I don’t have kids, don’t care about custody.  My dad got custody of my sister and me, but it may have been because my mother wasn’t one of those “naturally” nurturing women (nor am I)…however, I have no idea if things have changed since the seventies.

As for the rest – way too many men are freaked out about losing “assets.”  Again, it comes down to taste in women.  When I got divorced, I took not a thing other than what I went into the marriage with.

(Though, it must be said that the person you break up with is rarely the person you marry…some people get a little weird at break-up time and go for the monetary jugular.)

*shrug*  Don’t know what to say.  Get a prenup if you’re freaked out about losing your money.

“Marriage is a bad gig for (most) men. Statistically speaking, marrying career women makes for a marriage more likely to end in divorce…”

Framing is everything.  This framing blames the woman, when there is far more to be considered than “woman works.”

Take, for example, the many studies that show that in households in which both halves of the couple work, most men still expect women to come home and do the majority of the housework and child rearing.

Maybe THAT’S what’s causing the problems, but it’s much easier to disguise it as “working women cause divorce.”  Maybe it’s not working women at all – it’s that men are placing too many expecations on working women, which in turn makes those working women not so happy with their men.

Are you willing to at least CONSIDER that?

Message Edited by ftesyektsi on 08-28-2006 04:25 PM

08-28-2006 04:20 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
DontMarryNoer
Regular Contributor
DontMarryNoer

ftesyektsi wrote:

Which substance?  The part about custody?  I don’t have kids, don’t care about custody.  My dad got custody of my sister and me, but it may have been because my mother wasn’t one of those “naturally” nurturing women (nor am I)…however, I have no idea if things have changed since the seventies.

As for the rest – way too many men are freaked out about losing “assets.”  Again, it comes down to taste in women.  When I got divorced, I took not a thing other than what I went into the marriage with.

(Though, it must be said that the person you break up with is rarely the person you marry…some people get a little weird at break-up time and go for the monetary jugular.)

*shrug*  Don’t know what to say.  Get a prenup if you’re freaked out about losing your money.

“Marriage is a bad gig for (most) men. Statistically speaking, marrying career women makes for a marriage more likely to end in divorce…”

Framing is everything.  This framing blames the woman, when there is far more to be considered than “woman works.”

Take, for example, the many studies that show that in households in which both halves of the couple work, most men still expect women to come home and do the majority of the housework and child rearing.

Maybe THAT’S what’s causing the problems, but it’s much easier to disguise it as “working women cause divorce.”  Maybe it’s not working women at all – it’s that men are placing too many expecations on working women, which in turn makes those working women not so happy with their men.

Are you willing to at least CONSIDER that?

Message Edited by ftesyektsi on 08-28-2006 04:25 PM

I think if he does his head might explode. Also, don’t even think about bringing up the fact that women are still the primary care-givers fo children in households of all types, hence judges awarding them primary custody most of the time. Can you imagine the blood?!

08-28-2006 04:42 PM

Re: What about husbands staying home? And why are men afraid of career women?
blaineso
Contributor
blaineso
ftesyektsi: “Marriage was a better deal for men because, back then, they had (more often than not) someone at home to MOTHER THEM.

Now, of course, with women working, marriage very well may be a bad deal for men. Why, they have to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, now. Crap!”

Maybe it’s not working women at all – it’s that men are placing too many expecations on working women, which in turn makes those working women not so happy with their men.

Are you willing to at least CONSIDER that?

Of course I can consider that. However, just look at the way you’re discussing the topic: basically treating men with contempt as if they’re insignificant little boys who need to be ridiculed and scolded. I really don’t see this style bearing much fruit in this forum or in real life. I’m also sorry about whatever made you so viscerally angry.

08-28-2006 04:55 PM

==============================================================================
Click on the board or message subject at the top to return.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: