Got Any Good Jokes???

Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Got Any Good Jokes???

Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

“On the first day God created heaven and earth, then rested.

On the Third day God created man, then rested.

On the sixth day God created woman, and since then nobodys rested.”

Another one:

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.”

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing”, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Women have been proving for the last 30 years that men have been right for the last 30 centuries!

09-01-2006 03:04 PM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Real conversation on IRC:

” i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible *****.”

And then God created the Earth. And said “This is good”.
And then God created the Man. And said “This is good”.
And then God created the Woman. And said “…. she will put on make-up”.

They lived happily for thirty years, until the day they married.


09-01-2006 03:19 PM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???

Here’s one……

Why dont little girls fart?

Because they dont have an a** hole until they are married.

(Sorry had to tell it, felt it was appropriate….. kidding)

09-01-2006 03:35 PM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor
Two nuns are driving back to the convent early one evening, when a vampire jumps out in front of their car.
“Quick!”, says the passenger nun, “Show him your cross!”
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts “Would you just F*CK OFF!”

Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already told her twice.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: The question is not why did she cross the road ….. it’s who unlocked the chains she was attached too in the kitchen?

Q: What’s the hardest thing about having sex with a virgin these days?
A: Getting them away from the preschool.

Q: What do you call 150 lesbians with machine guns?
A: Militia Etheridge

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller play golf?
Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

A tourist was in Ireland walking along an old country road when he saw a sign which read, Sisters of Saint Joseph and Wh0rehouse.

‘No,’ thought the tourist, ‘I’ve misread that.’ Further down the road he sees another sign, five miles to Sisters of Saint Joseph and Wh0rehouse, so he decides to check it out. He knocks on the door and says to the Nun, ‘I thought we could do some business.’

‘Come in,’ she says and sends him down a long winding passageway. ‘Knock on that door.’

He knocks and a nun opens the door and has a tin cup in her hand.

‘$50 please,’ she says. He places this in the cup and she directs him to another door, another Nun opens it with a cup. ‘Another $50,’ she says. ‘Go in that door.’ The tourist enters, the door locks behind him and he finds himself outside of the convent.

A sign reads, ‘Go In Peace, You have just been screwed by the sisters of Saint Joseph.’

So this guy walks into a pub, orders his drink and, while the barman is pouring it, nips over to the cigarette machine — which promptly tells him to “f*ck off”. Somewhat shocked, he wanders back to the bar, where a bowl of peanuts says “That’s a lovely suit, sir.”
As the barman hands him his drink, he asks him what the hell is going on.
“I’m sorry about all that sir,” the barman replies,”the cigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary.”

N.O.W. Turns 39, Again (The Onion)

Feminism (Uncyclopedia)

Euphemisms for Sex That Won’t Catch On (50 pages)

The Book of Wife (serious humor)

Message Edited by MartianBachelor on 09-04-2006 12:48 PM

“The loudest, most strident voices calling women weak, stupid, and incapable of competing in the world at large are the feminists.” – zed the zen priest

09-01-2006 08:57 PM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?

a self cleaning coven

09-01-2006 11:10 PM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Scroll Down

That’s Not Funny!!!

09-02-2006 12:00 AM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

1. “Love is a joke and sex is friction.”

2. “Getting married is like going to jail. It is easy to get into both, but you need a lawyer to get out.

3. “Getting married is a process to convert your soul mate to a your cell mate. ”

4. “We human beings drastically glorified one of our animal instincts, love. ” (kinda agree with this)

6.My wife and I have beenhappily married for thirty-five years because of our compatibility — we both love to fight!

7. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine — he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

8. My wife and I never go to bed mad. We stay up until the problem is resolved. Last year we didn’t get to sleep until March!

9. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.

10. (Ladies will like this one My son was about seven when he looked into our wedding album and asked, “Pop, are these pictures of the day Mom came to work for us?”

11. Marriages may be made in heaven, but most of the details are worked out on earth!

Message Edited by 3rdworldwm on 09-02-2006 12:46 AM

09-02-2006 12:42 AM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(**bleep**, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be how???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s “just” a suggestion).

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time)?

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of onstruction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(and…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to…what)?

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable youto fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to top chain with your hands or genitals.”
(….was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

09-02-2006 12:48 AM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor

Here’s one……………..Why buy the entire pig for just a little sausage?

09-02-2006 11:04 AM

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???

Woman to husband: “For dinner tonight, I want to go somewhere I’ve never  been before.”
Husband: “Try the kitchen.”

09-02-2006 06:03 PM

Click on the board or message subject at the top to return.

Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – Got Any Good Jokes???

Re: Got Any Good Jokes???
Regular Contributor
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back.

Men have standards. Women will be compared. DEAL WITH IT.

09-04-2006 06:00 AM

Click on the board or message subject at the top to return.

%d bloggers like this: