A call for progressive breeders to bed down already


Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – A call for progressive breeders to bed down already

A call for progressive breeders to bed down already
khankrumthebulg
Regular Contributor
khankrumthebulg
– Mark Morford
Friday, September 29, 2006

Let this be your rallying cry. Let it be your new hot-button topic, a raw, naked, condomless, blog-ready, wildfire, underground, grassroots crusade, your juiciest of incentive programs, your inspired call to hot, naked, impregnable sperm-a-riffic action.

Because the statistics are ugly, getting uglier: Despite all divine hope and prayer to the contrary, it looks like baby-happy conservatives are outbreeding liberals by a margin of some 20 to 40 percent.

It’s a fact. It’s a trend. It’s an onslaught. It’s a dreadful soul-curdling predicament and the reasons for the Republican baby blitz are myriad, having to do with the lethal Christian belief that God really wants big narcotized families and birth control is a sin and, well, what the hell else are social conservatives gonna do with all that oily Halliburton stock and Lockheed Martin profit? Donate to charity? Buy some Implanon? Save the planet? Ha.

It is, as you can imagine, a looming catastrophe. But I am here to help. I am here to inspire the resistance, to propose solutions to this disastrous fertility gap and to help get liberals into the sack sans protection so they may go forth and multiply the number of people who adore “The Daily Show,” read actual books and think Aaron Sorkin is some sort of god.

Let me make the first offer right now: For every concerned, well-educated progressive who reads this very column and agrees to have a child or two (instead of the increasingly common liberal alternative of, you know, getting a dog), which they will then lovingly nudge down the path of nuanced free-thinking nondogmatic independence, I shall hereby offer my personal services.

Like, say, babysitting. Free, once a month, so you and the spouse can go catch a movie and some Thai noodles and have public sex in Golden Gate Park, just like the old days. (Note: I am presuming you have HBO and wireless DSL and three kinds of single-malt scotch in your bar and a working hot tub, and I can put the kids to bed at 6 p.m.) Deal?

Or perhaps you’d like some free columnist swag? I have, right here on my desk, a stack of Possum Fur Nipple Warmers from my friends over at the New Zealand Nature Co. They’re yours, with proof of liberal sonogram.

I hereby offer you a free lifetime subscription to The Chronicle. Please note: The Chronicle has no idea I am offering this. But I am quite certain they will see the value, especially when they envision the alternative: a future full of uninformed media lemmings who only read Christianity Today and Playboy and Forbes. Shudder.

You still really, really want that dog? No problem. We shall start a program: Free rescued Golden Retriever or Labrador with every successful ovum fertilization. Free puppy/baby organic ice-cream socials in the parking lot at regional Whole Foods, once a month. Bonus: I shall even throw in my mad baby-naming skills. You need a stupendous, unique name for your new child? I am here for you. Jarrod. Allegra. Zaya. Rowan. Pomegranate. See? I’ve got a million of ’em. Well, maybe a hundred. Send me an e-mail. First come, first served. So to speak.

See, I am all about the incentives, all about providing the hot spark for your juicy procreative fire. And apparently we really need the motivation. Because the same census data show that progressives are having fewer babies, also for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that most of us live in big cities and housing costs are insanely growth-prohibitive and it’s just too difficult to put the baby’s room in the closet with the wireless router and the yoga equipment and the hydroponic, er, “medical” plants.

Not to mention the thing about progressive city dwellers generally possessing higher intelligence, better educations, a more nuanced understanding of the world. Translation: We tend to think that if God wants anything at all, She wants free birth control and fewer warmongering cretins and the wild uncontrolled spread of unconditional nondenominational love of a kind that doesn’t necessarily require a diaper and a burp blanket and a college fund. I’m just saying.

I am willing to go even further. Pending the necessary venture capital, I shall open the Mark Morford Summer Camp for Luminous Toddlers. Here is where kids will learn the fine arts of archery, yoga, organic farming, naughty Spanish slang, frat-boy incapacitation techniques, sake classifications, Fox News neocon bull — detection, how to properly tune a Fender Strat, and how to look at breeding Christian conservatives and laugh and shrug and offer them a drink and a vibrator and a copy of “Jitterbug Perfume” and a polyamorous weekend in Sonoma.

Why do I offer all this? Because the time is now. The issue is urgent. And because, well, I was wrong. I’ve always believed that it didn’t really matter if conservatives were breeding more than liberals, because (the theory went) most kids invariably rebel against their parents’ narrow dogma and hence all those GOP-duped kids would eventually wake up and run from the Dark Side like smart women shun the Catholic Church. Right?

Wrong. Turns out that four out of five kids end up sticking with the same political and religious affiliation as their parents, be they left, right or center. Hence, if the numbers continue as they are, we are on a collision course with a giant oatmealy wall of rashy, whitewashed red-state blandness.

I know what you’re thinking. Encourage breeding? In this abused, exploited, Bush-torn, Jennifer Aniston world? This is, you can argue, pure anathema to the progressive cause. And you are absolutely right. This is why I suggest another glorious option: adoption.

It’s a solution as elegant as it is globally beneficial: We shall import the millions of orphaned foreign babies from China and India and Africa. We shall spread them evenly across the red states like exotic fertilizer and raise them as open-minded and spiritually inquisitive and hugely intelligent with a great eye for design and good sex toys and hybrid sports cars.

Voila! Within a couple generations, we will have a class of gorgeous American beings who will effortlessly dazzle and woo the terrified Republican white-bread populace, and they will all interbreed and we shall beautifully mongrelize the gene pool and beat fundamentalist conservative righteousness out of the American bloodstream with the big stick of good sex and divine love and dark almond eyes.

What, too utopian? Too Angelina-Jolie-fever-dream? Fair enough. I am open to more practical solutions. Pouring massive amounts of birth control into the water supply in Kentucky and Utah and Colorado? Free condom-application demonstrations by porn stars with every fill-up of your Chevy pickup in Idaho? A global-warming luxury tax on all new Republican babies especially if conceived while listening to Kenny Chesney or Carrie Underwood? Works for me.

Meantime, preliminary sign-ups for the MMSCLT begin now. Oh, and if you need to become pregnant, I might be able to help with that, too. I have the experience. I know some people. It is, after all, your choice. You know what you have to do. What are you waiting for?

09-29-2006 02:17 PM

Re: A call for progressive breeders to bed down already
MartianBachelor
Regular Contributor
MartianBachelor
Oh geez, don’t tell me they raised the membership fees again…
“…Aaron Sorkin is some sort of god.”
Who the H is Aaron Sorkin?
I still haven’t gotten to Chomsky yet (but I promise I will, really).

minutes pass…

Oh, that Aaron Sorkin, of “The West Wing” fame.
Like we really needed another fake presidency…
Which side was he supposed to be on again?

“…and Colorado?”

HA! We’re a thoroughly purple state, very mongrelized already, the east end of the west coast and the west end of the bible belt… A Starbucks on every other corner, a church on all the remaining corners. The more people move here from Orange County and JesusLand, the bluer we become. So it seems that nice little theory doesn’t quite work the way it’s supposed to… It must be the thin air or all the UV rays or something. Doesn’t make any sense to me either.

He must have meant Montana.

Message Edited by MartianBachelor on 09-29-200602:25 PM

Message Edited by MartianBachelor on 09-29-200602:30 PM

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“The loudest, most strident voices calling women weak, stupid, and incapable of competing in the world at large are the feminists.” – zed the zen priest

09-29-2006 04:07 PM

Re: A call for progressive breeders to bed down already
Happy_Bullet
Regular Contributor
Happy_Bullet

Anyone else notice these days it seems that the conservatives are making more fun of the pent up liberals… wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around.

I love South Park.

Men have standards. Women will be compared. DEAL WITH IT.

09-30-2006 12:09 AM

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