How To Spot a Princess

Reader Response to “Don’t Marry Career Women” – How To Spot a Princess

How To Spot a Princess

I was sitting in traffic a while ago, gawking at one of those billboards for the Spring race carnival featuring some very edible honey in a frilly hat and the slogan “Princesses Welcome.”

It got me thinking; ‘if the races is full of princesses, will that make blokes want to go or give them a swerve completely?’

We all know princesses, and really, isn’t it just a politically correct term for a woman who’s a high-maintenance, pain in the arse?

I had a girlfriend a few years ago who was so far up the Canadian royal family tree, I got maple splinters every time she got in bed. I don’t have to tell you it ended in tears. Hers.

Anyway, I thought if blokes could pick the warning signs of the Princess Syndrome early, it might just save some heartbreak. I’ve put together the following guide for you, my brothers …

Once upon a time

As a rule, royalty doesn’t drink anywhere that has a whiff of vomit in the carpet or where punters are screaming “Double it! Go the Black!” at the pokies.

Princess accredited venues sport asylum chrome, Norman and Quaine furniture and a bartender whose name is a verb. Like Kick.

Princesses do not drink beer. It’s “unfeminine” and they “don’t like the taste.” That’s fine, except you’ll be springing for caprioscas at $14 a throw because her ladyship never pays.

They also count how many beers you’ve had — either on the town or at home. Guaranteed, after your third or fourth, you’ll hear something along the lines of, “are you having ANOTHER one?”

My kingdom for a horse

Princesses like to be chauffeured. If you knock off work before a princess and feel like catching a quick wave, forget it. The princess expects you’ll be waiting outside her office in a late model car with the passenger door open and Donovan Frankenreiter burbling on the stereo.

Like certain trade unions, princesses won’t work in the rain. If it starts to spit, you’ll have to fetch the car so she won’t ruin her blow dry. And keep your air-con gassed up, because you can’t roll down the window for fear of jumbling the highborn hair.

Belle of the ball

Sound familiar? You get a last minute invite, but her majesty can’t get dressed in less than an hour, so she refuses to go.

Princesses are never ready when you arrive to pick them up and once you’re out, spend more time in the brasco checking their make-up than at the dinner table.

If you’re out with other people, they’ll undoubtedly be her friends. Princesses don’t like your mates, unless they’re worth flirting with.

Be warned, the friend the princess criticises the most is the one she’s attracted to and will doink as revenge when you break up.

Princesses’ nostrils also flare when you make any flattering reference about other females. The charm you used to win her now becomes a constant concern if you’re making strange women laugh.

“Can we go now?” will suddenly replace “it’s too smoky in here” as the most uttered phrase of the night.

We are not amused

Things that really piss a princess off:

*Princesses get filthy if you don’t call at acceptable daily intervals “just to say hi”.

*They hate it if you switch your phone off to avoid them.

*Hard rock and rap music are a no-no. Indie rock is iffy.

*Princesses genuinely laugh if you suggest they might actually enjoy going to the footy.

*Any public convenience. I know one who uses tissues to touch ATM buttons.

*The beach. Never, ever spring a quick swim on them. There’s a multitude of obstacles, from her not having waxed, to getting the hair wet, and the unacceptable water temperature.

Empresses’ new clothes

The princess creed is thus: “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine.” The princess may earn as much as you but still expects you’ll pay for dinner and weekends away.

When she shops for herself, she’ll also get you to pay for items because “I just want to look good for you.” When she shops for you, it’s to make sure your outfits won’t embarrass her.

Princesses expect you to drop enough on birthday gifts to make her girlfriends jealous. Any expensive gift that has a spin-off for you (like a holiday to Bali) is not considered a real gift because “that trip was for you, too.”

The Crown Jewels

Princesses will decide when and where you have sex. They require all suitors to shower before the act and insist you change your bedsheets before the patrician personage gets horizontal.

The Coronation

If I’ve sounded a little harsh in my description of the imperial gal, may I temper it by saying that it’s only because I’ve been down this road enough times to know what’s involved.

The truth is, if princesses weren’t such hard work they wouldn’t be worth chasing.

This type of woman may have her faults but she also has her dreams, expectations and standards. She’s often very bright, ambitious and knows what she wants.

On a superficial level she’s more than likely gorgeous, smells **bleep** fine and somehow seems to make the sun shine brighter when you’re on her arm.

11-17-2006 08:33 PM

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